The gory details about pregnancy and beyond that no one ever has the heart to tell you...

***DISCLAIMER - these don't happen to everyone and they haven't all happened to me!!***

Yes, pregnancy is beautiful, blah blah blah. New life, cute babies, glorious. But what about the stuff that goes on that no one ever talks about? The stuff that, if and when it happens to you, you think you’re the biggest freak going? I’ve scouted the opinions of my closest female friends and asked them to spill the beans on the most embarrassing and horrifying things that happened to them during pregnancy, birth and beyond. And here’s the ultimate list.. 

*Iron supplements make you constipated and when you eventually manage to squeeze one out that bad boy will be jet black. Scary shit. Literally.

*All that squeezing, grunting and straining has given you piles. Great big itchy, ouchie, piles.

*You’re nine months pregnant and your waters have just broken. Oh wait, no, that’s just you pissing yourself. Back home you go.

*After giving birth, the peeing of oneself, or the almost peeing of oneself can be quite common. Thinking about a yoga class? Just be careful when you’re stretching. A leisurely jog? You might want to wear a panty liner. Or a nappy. Those pelvic floors aren’t what they once were. Get squeezing them. Or sit on a towel when having a sneeze. 

*You can get stretch marks. On your vagina. And on your arse. And everywhere in between - not just on your belly.

*Your nipples can be seen from outer space and them even rubbing against the inside of your bra can be agony. And the areolas are like saucers. Dark, scary looking saucers. 

*Pregnancy brings farting to a whole other level. And post-pregnancy can be even worse. Farts come from every crevice. At least with regular farts you can sometimes hold them. There’s no escaping fanny farts. 

*Hair. What’s with the crazy hair? You’re practically a yeti during pregnancy and then suddenly a few months after birth and you could do with a combover. Other women report having no hair growth at all for nine months. 

*You could *actually* kill your partner. Stone dead. What is with that loud breathing? Or the way he chews? How in the name of God are you going to raise a child with someone so infuriating? And then he brings home chocolate. Or a 3 in 1. And you love him to pieces again.

*Labour can make you vomit. All over yourself. Multiple times. Bring a few changes of clothes to the delivery room just in case. 

*Having a baby really changes your relationship. Like really. In good ways and in bad. So be prepared.

*When your milk comes in it hurts like hell. Your boobs will be like rocks and even the slightest touch can have you squirting milk all over the place.

*Nothing, and I mean nothing, will prepare you for that love. Overwhelming.

Pregnant belly - not mine!